Two Mikos Walk Into a Bar
by Somnambulicious
Summary: Sometimes, the ending isn't just unexpected sometimes, it makes no sense at all. Oneshot. Rated M for language.


I place the blame for this entirely on Ookami-chan. I just finished re-reading "Grey Eyes and Golden Nightmares," which is her take on the end of the series, and that, combined with a lot of bad!fic, was what spawned this...thing. Enjoy.

**Two Mikos Walk Into a Bar**...

With her battle-weary friends gathered around her, Kagome stared down at the completed, purified Shikon no Tama. Naraku was finally dead, and she could hardly believe that her quest was--

_Wait a minute_...

The jewel was pulsing, and Kagome bent her head a little further over her cupped hands. The cries of her friends barely registered before she crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

When she opened her eyes again, Kagome found herself in the middle of a...dive bar? _That can't be right._

But no, that's exactly where she was. A heavy film of grime coated the single, tiny window at the front of the bar, and every horizontal surface was covered in what looked to be a half inch of dust. She couldn't see a bartender, but there was a single patron huddled over a shot glass at the end of the counter. A half-empty bottle sat uncorked next to an ashtray overflowing with cigarette butts.

The woman's face looked slightly familiar, and Kagome searched her memory, trying to figure out where she'd seen this person before. The woman shook a cigarette out of her pack, and a match flared to life between her fingers. As the flame illuminated her face, Kagome blinked incredulously.

"Mi- Midoriko-sama?"

Midoriko glanced over at Kagome as she took a long drag. "It's about fucking time," she grumbled around the cigarette.

Kagome blinked again. "Wha-- Where are we?"

"What'd you expect? A brightly-lit meadow full of flowers and bunnies with a rainbow in the sky?" Midoriko started to chuckle at her own joke, and then the chuckle turned into a full-throated laugh, and the laugh into a hacking fit of coughs. Midoriko set down the cigarette and pounded her fist against her chest.

"Are you...okay?"

Kagome regretted her question the moment Midoriko turned a dry stare on her. "I've been locked up in this goddamn jewel for a thousand years, girl. Again, what were you expecting? You think I'm supposed to be all, 'Ah, my child, you have fulfilled your destiny,'" she said, her voice suddenly smooth and sweet. She gestured grandly at the dumbfounded teenager. "'You've come to the end of your quest as the Fabled Guardian of the Shikon no Tama, and now is the time to make your pure, unselfish wish so that my soul may be freed!'"

Kagome wasn't sure exactly how to answer that, so she settled for fumbling with the hem of her sailor fuku uncertainly.

Midoriko snorted. "Or maybe, 'Ah, my child, for being so pure of heart and courageous of soul, I shall reward you with your very own tamed dragon and a pony in your color of choice!'" The thought made Midoriko giggle. "'And then, I shall create a time bubble, so that I may train you in the arts of kendo and kyodo and sushi preparation and flower arrangement over the course of only two seconds in real time, and when you return to your companions, you will find that I've transformed you into a youkai for no good reason at all!'"

Midoriko laughed so hard that she fell off the barstool.

Kagome thought briefly about helping her up, but then thought better and inched back toward the door instead. She could sense the powerful youki of the youkai souls trapped outside, but she was beginning to think that she'd much rather try her luck with them, instead.

The ancient miko staggered drunkenly to her feet and climbed carefully back onto the barstool. She frowned when she discovered that her cigarette had not survived the fall. "Aw, shit. And that was my last pack, too." With a heavy sigh, she picked up the bottle and took a long swig before turning back to the younger miko.

"Where you goin'?"

Kagome froze, her hand inches away from the door. "Um...nowhere?"

"Nonononononono." With surprising speed, Midoriko crossed the floor between them and grabbed hold of Kagome's arm, dragging her back to the bar. "Siddown. I need to talk to you. Here, have a drink." She shook out her sleeve and used the hem to wipe out one of the grimy shotglasses. She managed to fill it without spilling too much.

Kagome stared suspiciously at the shot of amber liquid that was shoved under her nose. "I'm too young to drink."

"Nonsense! Here, come on, chug it!" Midoriko pressed the glass to Kagome's lips, and when Kagome tried to politely take a small sip, the older miko tipped the glass so that she found herself with a mouthful of something that made her eyes water.

Midoriko pounded her on the back. "That's the spirit!" She was practically beaming. At this point, Kagome was certain that the solitude had driven this woman completely insane.

"So," Kagome wheezed out, still trying to deal with the burning in her throat, "so what am I supposed to do now?"

Midoriko shrugged and took another swig from the bottle. "Hell if I know."

Kagome sputtered. "But-- But-- But you _created_ the jewel! You're supposed to tell me what to do now, so the jewel can be purified out of existence and I can be through with this quest!"

"Honestly," Midoriko said, rolling her eyes, "where did you come up with that? Who told you this whole thing was _my_ idea?"

"But-- But all the legends say--"

"Stupid legends. Can't believe a word of 'em. The legends told _me_ that if I ripped out my own soul and used it to slaughter the youkai, I'd be bumped up a few notches on the reincarnation ladder and get to live out my next life as the lazy wife of a rich nobleman. Or maybe as a cat." She stared mournfully at the empty pack of cigarettes. "I always wanted to be a cat."

Kagome gaped at her.

"But nooooo, I got trapped in this fucking jewel and have to spend the rest of eternity hoping that when the world ends, I can finally blink out of existence and stop being so goddamned bored."

"The rest...of eternity?" Kagome whispered.

"Yep." Midoriko drained the rest of the bottle.

Panic mode was now setting in with full force. Kagome stood up so fast that she knocked over her barstool. "How do I get out of here?"

"Beats me. If you find out, would you mind telling me, too? 'Cause I'm kinda sick of this place."

"But...the door...

"Impenetrable."

"And...all this stuff...the cigarettes, the whiskey...they had to come from somewhere! They didn't even exist in your time!"

Midoriko shrugged. "Dunno. Stuff just shows up while I'm sleeping. And hey," she said, sudddenly stern, "you're gonna have to sleep on the floor. I get the bar."

"But the way you talk! You don't even sound like you're from a thousand years ago!"

Midoriko gestured toward the back of the bar, where a TV set flickered with black and white static. "It worked for a couple of decades, but then I lost the signal. I think the rabbit ears broke or something."

"But...no! Why am I even here? What did I do to get trapped in here, when all I did was put the jewel back together!"

"Why do you keep asking me all these questions?" Midoriko rubbed her temples and sighed. "I don't know. I've had a thousand years to think about this, and all I can come up with is that either the gods have a sick sense of humor, or the universe is batshit and nothing makes sense."

"I'm going to find a way out of here!"

"Yeah," Midoriko said dryly. "You do that."

"I will! I have to! Inuyasha and the others are waiting for me!"

"Yeah, yeah," Midoriko repeated. "Let me know how that works out for you. But not right now." She pulled her cloak around her and climbed onto the bar, curling up with her back to Kagome. "I'm taking a nap. Don't wake me up unless the gods decide to grace me with another carton of menthols."

Kagome opened her mouth, and then closed it, and then opened it up again, but she could think of nothing to say. Instead, she glared at the bottle of liquor that Midoriko had emptied. _Stupid bottle._

The End


End file.
